coolerthansora: (Mrs. Roxas Axel~♥)
Roxas ([personal profile] coolerthansora) wrote2012-04-02 04:01 pm

Vatheon - Roxas's Journal

Day 2 - April 2, 2012 - Me Again
I couldn't find a journal to use yesterday, but I think it's important to start writing again.

I'm in this place called Vatheon now. It's a city under the ocean. I don't really understand how I'm here. I mean, this girl Yukari told me that there's this giant coral that brings people from all over. But, I don't understand how it could bring me, when I wasn't even me anymore.

I can't complain though. I like being me. I'm really, really glad to be me, even if that's not supposed to be possible. And everyone I've met so far has been nice. I guess they don't realize that I'm not a whole person.

Kairi's here, and apparently so's Riku... But maybe I won't run into him. The city seems pretty big.


Day 3 - April 3, 2012 - Axel and Ven
Axel's here!

I was sure I'd never see him again. He faded away... But King Mickey said that people come here from a lot of different times, so I guess that's how he's here. I'm still not sure when exactly he's from or if he knows what happened to him, but he seemed happy to see me. I guess I was wrong-- we both missed each other.

There's also this guy here who looks like me... I don't think it's anyone messing with me. He seemed really surprised, too. Actually he seems a lot like Sora. It's kind of weird. I'm not sure what's going on, but... I think he's a good guy. I hope people don't get us mixed up too often.


Day 8 - April 8, 2012 - Sora
I met Sora today. I heard he was here, but so is Axel's Other, so I was trying not to worry too much.

But he even hugged me and I'm still here. It's a real relief.

It's kind of strange to talk to Sora face to face... But it's a good strange.


Day 13 - April 13, 2012 - On Love
I finally talked to Demyx. I found out he's marrying Lea, Axel's Other.

Well, first off, I didn't know guys could get married. Maybe I just never noticed it. I mean, I don't know any guys who've been married, but it probably doesn't happen as often. I think Demyx is right though-- Love is love.

Although... Demyx doesn't have a heart. We're Nobodies, so can we love? I mean, I care about Axel, or at least, I think I care about him. Maybe it's close enough. And I guess it's up to Lea anyway, about whether or not it's enough. He has to know what Demyx is.

I wonder if it's weird for Axel. Well, maybe not. It's not like it's weird to me that Sora likes Kairi, and I don't. Maybe it just seems strange since I haven't met Lea yet...


Day 16 - April 16, 2012 - Xion
A girl showed up today, named Xion.

Apparently I knew her before. Axel and me both, she was our friend. Normally I'd have thought she was lying, at least at first, but I believe her. Maybe, that's all that's left of her in my memory, enough to believe it. I don't know if it's worse than with Axel. Those memories didn't start coming back right away either. But... I don't know. It just doesn't feel like there are any gaps in my memory big enough for her to fit into. It's like everything's just been rearranged... I don't like it.

I don't know if I'll be able to remember her. And I don't know if I can be her friend again, just like that. But I want to try. I feel like... I owe her, somehow.

Axel and me met up with her, and she talked with us. I'm still trying to sort out everything she's said, and I don't think she's even told us everything. But afterwards, the three of us went and had ice cream together. It's the first time Axel and I had ice cream here, too. It felt good.


Day 20 - April 20, 2012 - Hayner
Hayner's here. Not the real Hayner, the one from that fake Twilight Town. I wasn't expecting him to know me, but he's acting like he's my best friend. I don't know what to do.

I've been telling myself that I wasn't really myself while I was there. They gave me different memories and I didn't know who I really was. Every time I think about it, I get angry. They had me trapped in that stupid town, not knowing anything. I didn't even know Axel.

But none of that is Hayner's fault. And it was fun, being friends with him. I don't like to admit liking any part of that, but there it is. We all sat on the clocktower and ate ice cream together, just like me and Axel used to do. Well, maybe that's why it was fun. I don't know. But still all Hayner was doing was... trying to be my friend.

I don't know how to tell him I'm not really who he thinks I am.


Day 25 - April 25, 2012 - Nightmares
Everyone's been having nightmares. I guess it's one of those curses everyone warned me about.

I dreamt I was Sora. Not one of his memories, like I used to dream, but I dreamt I was him. About leaving Axel behind and being trapped inside someone else again... Even here there aren't any guarantees it won't happen again.

Ven explained some things to me. His heart was with Sora's when I was born. That's why I look like him. I hope it's the only thing we have in common. I hope when Sora used that keyblade, Ven's heart went back to him like Kairi's did to her. I hope I really am me.

He did this thing, though. There's a lot I don't know about the keyblade, but apparently it's something that's supposed to be passed down. You don't just have it. Except I think Sora and I both did because of Ven... Anyway Ven did the ceremony for me, to pass it on. It probably doesn't change much since I already had the keyblade, but I still feel like I've got something now that Sora doesn't. It helps.


Day 29 - April 29, 2012 - Axel's Nightmare
Axel's nightmare was... a little scary. Somehow I wound up in it with him and we were fighting. Even worse than the last time I saw him in Twilight Town.

It's okay, though. Even with how mad he was, it was like he didn't really want to fight either. And it was just a dream.

Maybe a little time would be good anyway. I haven't got much sleep the past few days.


Day 31 - May 1, 2012 - Lea
Lea doesn't seem that much like Axel at all.

I wonder if he'd be relieved to know that?

The nightmares are over now, but we haven't really talked since...


Day 39 - May 9, 2012 - What's Important
I've been doing some thinking. Even with all the crazy stuff that's come up, this place has been pretty good for me. I have friends here that I never thought I'd see again, and people I never thought I'd get to meet myself.

There's a lot of confusing things about that. Like everything I forgot about Xion and the stuff I remember about Hayner that never actually happened. And I know Axel is my best friend but I feel like maybe there are things we should talk about but I don't know how and he doesn't seem to want to.

But the confusing stuff isn't the important part. I'll sort it out eventually. What's important is we're all here.


Day 41 - May 11, 2012 - Dating?
Is dating that big a deal? People keep bringing it up like it's something everybody should do.

I mean, I guess if Demyx can get married then Nobodies can date but I never really thought about it before. I wonder if I'm supposed to.


Day 47 - May 17, 2012 - Spring!
There are flowers everywhere! Spring here is really pretty.

I was giving out flowers and I ran into Xion and Axel, and we met up later for ice cream. I just felt really happy being with them. Probably the happiest I've been since-- well, maybe ever!

But next time I wanna give Axel something I should remember he's allergic to flowers.


Day 50 - May 20, 2012 - Fake Feelings
I'm not sure what had me feeling so great the past few days...

I guess I shouldn't be upset about it, but I think I am, a little. I know everything we feel isn't really real, but at least it's our decision to pretend. That happy feeling wasn't really mine at all.

It was the first time I really felt like Xion was my friend since she got here. Was that real?


Day 58 - May 28, 2012 - Maybe This Is Family
I spent the day with Sora today. We went up to the island and just goofed around. We haven't spent too much time together before now, but somehow it doesn't feel weird anymore. Maybe I've just gotten over being scared. He knew about the ice cream, too.

Actually, it feels sort of comfortable, being around Sora. I wonder if it's what family is like?


Day 59 - May 29, 2012 - Lili
I met this really weird girl today. She wanted me to be her servant, or fight battles with her, or something. I'm not really sure. And then when I told her she couldn't go around picking fights and making people her servants, she started crying... She's older than me, but isn't crying when you don't get your way something little kids do? Maybe if I introduce her to Axel, he won't be able to call me a kid anymore.

Anyway I felt sort of bad for her, so it turns out I'm staying with her for a few days. After that she better figure out how to take care of herself. Or find someone else to be her butler.


Day 60 - May 30, 2012 - What Happened to Zexion?
Zexion's dead. Someone murdered him.

I heard about it from Demyx. He says Zexion told him who did it before he died, and then Demyx went after the guy. This replica named Caden... Demyx is pretty sure he killed him. And he said Axel-

I'm not sure what to think of it all. Demyx is really freaked out and I guess he's hiding for now, but at least he's okay. But since people can come back when they die here, that means this Caden guy could show up again, too. And if he went after Zexion, maybe he'll go after other people who were in the Organization.

Axel and Xion... I don't want them getting hurt. And if Xion finds out about any of this, it might wind up being really bad, because he's the only other replica I've heard of.

It takes a few days for someone to come back. I just don't know if that's enough time to figure this out.


Day 64 - June 3, 2012 - My Own Feelings
I woke up with a heart today.

It's not just me. A lot of people are looking different or have different powers, and I guess it's one of those curses.

I didn't realize at first what it was, I was just scared. I woke up feeling and thought for a second I was Sora again. Once I figured it out, I thought maybe it would mean I'd start to act more like him, too. But by now I've realized I don't feel like him. I mean, it's strange, but I still feel like me. These are my feelings.

It's a little confusing. I've gotten so used to thinking about how I'm supposed to feel and acting on that. Sometimes I don't even have to think about it anymore. Other times-- well, I guess that's part of what this diary is for. But now the feeling is just there, on its own.

Demyx said that having a heart like this, even for a little while, it helps you learn how to feel. I'm gonna try to use it as much as I can while I have it.


Day 65 - June 4, 2012 - What the Heart Knows
Sora lost his heart... I guess we're kind of backwards right now.

He's not acting like me either, though. Well, maybe we're both acting just a little more like each other, but he's not me and I'm not him. That means that it's not just Sora losing his heart that made me, doesn't it? There's more to me than that.

I've been trying to spend time with everyone, so I know how I really feel about them. It's really strong sometimes. I shouldn't be surprised-- I know Sora would give his life for his friends, and I've felt that, but I've just never felt it for myself, about my friends. And, I think I have more friends than I thought I did. At least, they're here in my heart... I guess it's harder to make friends just thinking about it. You have to build up memories together, and trust. But the heart just knows. I guess that's why Sora makes so many friends so easily.

I wound up asking Axel to move in, so I won't be staying by myself anymore.


Xion found Caden's body. I guess there's no keeping it from her. She seemed really upset about it, but I think talking helped her. I feel like I should do more though. I wish she hadn't seen it.


Day 66 - June 5, 2012 - Zexion's Back
Zexion's back after being dead. (It feels weird to write that...)

I was surprised how relieved I was to see he was okay. I mean, I barely know him. But even though I left the Organization, we all still have something in common that no one else is going to understand. And he's one of us.


Day 69 - June 8, 2012 - Caden
Caden's back now, too. I ran into him by the coral.

He looks just like Riku. I wasn't expecting that. I couldn't help it, especially now, I was angry before he even said anything.

He says he was fighting somebody else first, somebody pretending to be Zexion, and that he meant to attack them, not him. There's other stuff that doesn't add up, so I think I believe him.

But that doesn't change that he killed someone. I mean, if you're supposed to face consequences for that sort of thing, then Demyx already saw to that. But I still can't trust him. And I still don't want him near my friends.


Day 70 - June 9, 2012 - Capture-the-Flag
Hayner dragged me into this capture-the-flag game today. He's some kind of fire-breathing dog right now, so it was kind of weird...

I thought it would help me get my mind off yesterday, and maybe it did, but that's the funny thing about having a heart. Even when I was thinking about other things, I still felt kind of angry. Maybe that's why we lost. Or maybe it's because Hayner's a dog.

Anyway I have a lot of good things going for me here. I really don't want anyone messing that up.


Day 72 - June 11, 2012 - Nobody
It's gone again.

I feel emptier than I did before.


Day 74 - June 13, 2012 - What's Real
I talked to Hayner today, and told him some things. I guess I wasn't feeling as scared, considering. There's still a lot to say, but at least he knows now that most of our friendship never actually happened.

He still wants to be friends. He says it's real to him, and maybe he's not all wrong.

I've been thinking about it. There was that other computer world Sora went to. Was that any less real just because it was created? Is Xion any less real just because someone made her? I don't think so. Hayner's real. Our memories from when I was stuck there are real. He's just not the same as the other Hayner.

Sora came by, too. He says I'm like a brother to him. Even though I can't actually feel anything, he kind of cheered me up. I guess we really are like family.

He also got me thinking. If the coral could give me a heart for a week, maybe having one of my own isn't so impossible. Maybe it could give me one for longer. Maybe even for good.

I don't have a clue how to make it happen, but I'm going to pay more attention when people talk about the stuff it does.


Day 77 - June 16, 2012 - Vanitas
There was a guy asking about Ven on the network a few days ago. Mickey says it was Vanitas. Ven told me about him before. He's the dark half of his heart, and he looks like Sora.

It's not the same as me and Sora. Ven and Vanitas each have a piece of the same heart. I don't have anything. I wonder if he remembers how to feel good emotions, too, or if he's really just evil like Mickey's saying. He hasn't done anything yet.


Day 81 - June 20, 2012 - Riku
I finally ran into Riku, at Sora's party.

I shouldn't have bothered trying to talk to him. He just gave me a bunch of excuses and it really pissed me off. I don't know what I was expecting... Maybe I just don't want to hate Sora's best friend. I can remember him being-

But nothing's changed. I could tell from all the things he said, he'd do it again. If it's to help Sora, my life doesn't matter to him. It's like he didn't think he had any other choice, so he didn't give me one either. He wouldn't even consider that maybe he was wrong, that there might've been another way. If he'd just asked me or told me anything about what they were doing... Sora wasn't asleep because I exist. Maybe I could've done something for Sora without giving up who I was.

Or maybe I would've even agreed to it, if they'd just asked.

But Riku doesn't get that. He didn't even apologize.


Day 90 - June 29, 2012 - Over
Demyx and Lea broke up. That's how you put it, right? They aren't together anymore.

I don't get how it happened. I mean, they were getting married. They had a date set for the wedding and everything. If you get that far, aren't you supposed to know for sure?

Demyx told me before it was more complicated and I'd understand when I start dating. But I don't think he really understands it either. Maybe it's not something you can understand. Things to do with the heart are like that sometimes.

There's this guy Sola who got together with somebody today. It's good for him, but it doesn't exactly seem fair somehow. I hope Demyx is okay.


Day 95 - July 4, 2012 - Host Club
I joined this thing called a host club. Zelos, the guy who started it, said it was for girls to talk to us, but some guys came today, too. I guess guys just don't "float his boat."

Maybe it's a weird thing for me to do, but I feel like I can learn something from it. Dating seems really complicated, and hard sometimes, but I think I still want to try it, eventually...

Anyway, Sora's in the club, too. I like hanging out together.


Day 96 - July 5, 2012 - Lea's Gone
Lea's gone now. I think it bothers Axel more than he's letting on. Even if they weren't really close, they were still connected.

I wonder how it'll be when Sora goes... But as long as Axel's here, I think I'll be okay.


Does "cute" mean something else? Maybe I should look it up.


Day 99 - July 8, 2012 - Good Guys and Bad Guys
Ven's friend Terra wants to get everyone together to make sure we're strong enough to fight Vanitas.

It's weird to me how much everyone's talking about him when he still hasn't done anything. It reminds me of when they told Sora about how Nobodies were bad guys. I mean, I know Xemnas was up to no good, but it's not like we're all bad. It made him not trust Axel, too.

I don't know. Vanitas probably has done a lot of bad stuff. I guess it just bugs me how some people just see everything as one way or the other. Sometimes good people do bad things.


Day 102 - July 11, 2012 - Excuses
Riku wanted to talk.

He explained a couple things, but I don't know if it helped any. He says he wouldn't have done any of it, if he'd had a choice. But I don't see how he didn't have one.

Maybe I'm expecting too much. I mean, it's not like Riku of all people would ever choose me over Sora. And that's normal, right? I wouldn't pick Lea over Axel.

But it is a choice. Saying it's not is just making excuses.


Day 107 - July 16, 2012 - A Wrong Feeling
So much for Vanitas not doing anything. He attacked the ice cream shop a few days ago. If this guy Rin hadn't been there to help out, I'm not sure what would've happened. Riku was there, too.

I don't think it was seeing me that set him off, though I think I made him angrier. I checked the list after. Ven's not here anymore.

I'm still healing some, but I'm not exactly mad about it. It just... makes me sort of sick. That he could attack people like that, and have Sora's face, and part of Ven's heart. It's messed up.

And... I'm connected to him, too. Sora and Ven are connected, and we're each a part of them. But, I'm not like him.


Day 114 - July 23, 2012 - Birthday
I got asked about my birthday today. It seems kind of silly to think about it, with everything else that's going on.

I don't remember when Sora's birthday is. It's not really mine anyway. Tidus said I should just pick a day. I wonder if that's okay?


Day 115 - July 24, 2012 - Naminé
Naminé's here.

It's kind of funny. I don't really know what to say to her. I know there's a lot that's strange about this world, but somehow it seems so much more normal than whenever we talked before.

I guess I don't know her very well. But I'm glad she's here. That's one good thing, right?


Day 120 - July 29, 2012 - Murders
Vanitas went after Rin's friends. Two of them are dead, and he took care of Vanitas.

It should've been me dealing with this. Rin only got involved because he was there and he's a good person.

I know it's not my fault. Vanitas is the one who decided to hurt people. But I still feel like I could've prevented it. I've been sitting around thinking about how to deal with him, and not doing anything.

I don't think I'm scared of him. It's just, killing him or locking him up won't work. And it seems like it'll be really hard to convince him of anything. Ruca thinks maybe it could work, but I don't want to screw it up.

But I can't wait around anymore. He'll be back in a few days. And then we'll talk.


Day 124 - August 2, 2012 - Ven's Back
Ven's back, but he doesn't remember me. At least he already heard I looked like him, so he didn't freak out this time, but I had to explain a lot to him.

He says he's going to handle Vanitas, once he's back. I wonder if he'll really be able to. I don't think he knows how either.


Day 126 - August 4, 2012 - Feeling a Little Better
I hung out with Little Sun today. At first he reminded me a lot of Sora. He's different, but you can tell he's got a big heart, too. It cheered me up some.


Day 127 - August 5, 2012 - "Illegal Activities"
Apparently some people think host clubs are for sex.

I've never even kissed anyone, and someone thinks I'm doing that?

I think Axel knew but he didn't say anything. There's no way I can ask him, he'll just tease me. I hope most people really don't know. It's really not what we're doing!


Day 131 - August 9, 2012 - Still No Vanitas
I've been trying to watch for him at the plaza, but I still haven't seen Vanitas. He's still on the list on the SFC. I wonder if I missed him.

I told Axel I was going to talk to him. He actually seemed worried. I mean, I figured he would be, but he usually doesn't show it. Maybe it's because he just woke up.

Anyway I still want to do it, but now I don't know where to look for him...


Day 135 - August 13, 2012 - Real
There was some big fight up on the island. I went up after everything was over, and there was this entrance. There's a lab that was hidden where the woods were. Xion went in with me. It's empty, but there are all these computers.

Everybody knows there's a lot of weird, unexplained stuff that goes on here. Sometimes I wonder about it. Most of the time I don't. I've always figured, whatever's going on, it's still real.

This scared me though. It seems too much like everything that happened with DiZ and that town. Maybe none of it's been real at all...

But I think it is. Maybe someone's trying to use us for something, but my memories are my own. I am me. And Axel's here, and Namine. There are too many things that I don't think could be faked. Especially Axel... Maybe it's because I've always known him, but he's what feels the most real.

It still makes me uneasy. I don't like not knowing what's going on. But I'm not going to be scared.


Day 139 - August 17, 2012 - Masquerade
I've been trying to focus a little more on the good things here. A lot of bad stuff's been happening lately but even if I shouldn't ignore it, I don't want to think about it all the time either. I don't think that helps.

Anyway this guy said he's throwing a costume party next month. I guess it's like Halloween, but with dancing? It's the kind of thing you'd do for a date, but he said a date could just be a friend. Actually he said sometimes there's not much difference between a friend and someone you love. I wonder what the difference is then, when you don't have a heart...

Maybe I'll ask Axel if he wants to go.


Day 144 - August 22, 2012 - A Letter
Riku -

This is stupid. I don't have anything to say to you.

I heard writing letters you're never going to send to someone helps you figure things out. I don't really know if this will help since you just piss me off.

I don't think you get me at all. I'm not Sora. I don't think you're this wonderful person and I don't want stories about how you only did awful things because you had to.

No one made you. You did have a choice and you chose Sora. And it hurts that you did it and I hate you for doing it, but I hate it more that you won't admit it.

And maybe it hurts more because you were my best friend, too, because I was him.

I don't know if I can get over it. But I know I can't respect you at all until you realize no one forced you into it. You're just the kind of person who'll do awful things to protect your friends. I wish erasing me was too awful for you but since it's obviously not you should just say so, and apologize.


Day 153 - August 31, 2012 - Envy
Sora...

I really do wish I was more like you sometimes. But it's not your fault that I'm not.

I don't even really want to be a hero. Well, maybe just once, to see what it was like. But I think what I envy most is all the normal stuff. Growing up on the islands... And I know you'll get to go back to it, when everything's over. I wish I could do that, too. Me and all my friends.

You're lucky. I don't want to take that away from you. I just wish I was lucky, too.


Day 156 - September 3, 2012 - Kissing
I kissed Axel.

Like on the lips and we made out and everything.

Neither of us was exactly acting normal. I mean, I haven't really thought about kissing anyone before and Axel doesn't normally talk like that...

But when I think about it now, some of it I don't think I'd mind doing again. It felt really nice... But I'm not sure if that's because I was feeling weird or because it's something I really want. I don't know what Axel thinks either. Maybe he'd rather just forget about it.


Day 160 - September 7, 2012 - Becoming Somebody
It's funny how many of us here are part of someone else, or connected to someone else.

Me and Sora. Vanitas and Ventus. Sola and Link. Luke and Asch. Ruca. Axel. Demyx. Namine. Xion...

I wonder how many of us get caught up thinking about how much we're like our Others. Or how much we aren't.

I didn't really realize how much I do it until lately. I want to be myself but I'm always comparing myself to Sora. I'm not him and I shouldn't try to be. I should just figure out how I want to be. Just because I'm a Nobody... does it mean I have to be less of a person? I'm tired of thinking that way.

I'm tired of all of us thinking that way.


Day 177 - September 24, 2012 - Half a Heart
There was another curse that had everyone switching bodies last week. Vanitas and I switched, and he read my diary. He probably thinks I'm even more of an idiot than he already did.

I didn't realize how painful having half a heart could be. His is full of darkness, and it just felt so... heavy, somehow. Like drowning? I don't know quite how to describe it. It was so easy to feel frustrated or angry with people, and every time I let myself feel it too strongly, those Unversed things showed up. And I could feel it when they died.

I can't help feeling bad for him, having to deal with that all the time. He says he'd rather feel all that than nothing, though. I can kind of understand. It was more real than what I have... Or, maybe it's more real than what I used to have.

I told him it was all for pretend, but I don't think it really is anymore. Not all of it. For a while I just thought I'd gotten into the habit, so I didn't have to think about what to feel all the time anymore. But I don't think that's it. If that were true, I could just turn it off again, and I can't. I don't really understand, but I think maybe the things I've been pretending the longest are becoming real.

It was really hard to feel anything good in Vanitas's body. But if I can start with nothing and get this far, then isn't he already halfway there? He got to see what it was like without all that darkness, too.

He can think it's stupid, but he's connected to me, and to Sora, and to Ven, and I'm not giving up on it.


Day 184 - October 1, 2012 - Back to Normal
Things are finally starting to feel a little more normal. Sora's awake again, and I've been back in my own body for a week now.

I wonder if it really felt that empty to Vanitas. It doesn't seem so empty to me as it used to. Just... quiet, maybe.


Day 187 - October 4, 2012 - A Real Kiss
There's some curse going on again that had me kissing people all day. Not on the lips or anything, but it was still awkward.

I don't wanna kiss people because something's making me act funny. I want to do it because I care about someone and I want them to know I mean it. That's what it's supposed to be about, right? Everything so far, people just brush off like it didn't mean anything. And I guess it didn't, really...

I don't know. Is it dumb to think I might want to do that with Axel? I like being close to him, and maybe that's just a friend thing, but maybe it's not.

But I guess so long as he thinks Nobodies can't feel that way, it doesn't really matter.


Day 193 - October 10, 2012 - Going Back
Axel found out from Mickey that after he died, he went back to being Lea. Lea gets all his memories and goes on to do stuff, I guess. I didn't ask what.

I want to say I don't care because it'd be Lea and not Axel, but Axel would be there inside him. And when I was part of Sora and I saw Axel-- I didn't like being treated like a stranger. I didn't like being a stranger.

It's not right that we have to give everything we are to someone else. What we are and what we have is worth something. Sora and Lea could never be friends like me and Axel are, even if they both remembered it. Sora already has a best friend, and maybe Lea does, too.

I want to stay us forever. It's not a lot to ask for, is it?


Day 198 - October 15, 2012 - Cat Behavior
I know Axel and me joked about growing tails before but this is really weird. This curse has turned a bunch of people into animals or partway into animals. I'm only part cat, and the tail's all right, but the acting like a cat is really weird.

Axel's a cheetah. I can kind of get what he wants to say even though he can't talk, and he's been going back and forth between having fun and being really annoyed at not having thumbs.

I keep wanting to hunt things but I don't know if they're really people so I can't. I bought a lot of meat today so hopefully that'll satisfy something.


Day 199 - October 16, 2012 - Catfight
Vanitas was here when I got up, and then Sora came over. We kind of got into a fight.

I don't get what Vanitas wants. He talks about Ven like they're the still the same person, but they aren't. And I don't think he'd want to be Ven again when he calls him weak like that. Does he want Ven to be part of him instead?


Day 206 - October 23, 2012 - Birthday Party
Tidus threw me a birthday party today. The day I picked was a month ago so I'd forgotten about it and I really wasn't expecting anything. But pretty much everyone was there, and there was ice cream cake and music and a movie and presents and everything. All that, just for me.

I felt really... maybe "loved" is the word. Like how friends love each other. I've never really felt like that before. It was a little overhwelming.

I think I have some really awesome friends.


Day 214 - October 31, 2012 - Waking Nightmares
I hate this curse. It keeps making me see Axel die again. I never wanted to see that again. I want to stop it, except all I can really do is put it off, if I can even do that.

I think Axel's the only one who gets that. Ruca and Sora kept trying to tell me everything'll be okay. I mean, I'm glad they came over and stayed with me a while, but saying that is just lying. I know what's waiting back home. It bugged me before when Axel talked about going back to that, but... I think it hurts more to have people talk about things I know won't happen.

Maybe it's not so bad though. We have this place, for now. Everyone knows they're going to die someday, right? And we know someday we're going to go home and disappear. What's the difference? We just have to hold onto what we do have while we've got it.

I just hope that, whenever we do leave this place, we do it together. I don't want to be here without Axel. I'm already only half a person, and I feel like if he left, he'd take another big piece of me with him.


Day 217 - November 3, 2012 - Afraid of the Same Things
Last night, I was dealing with other people's nightmares. Helping them actually kind of made me feel stronger, if that makes any sense.

I found Ruca in the park before I went home. He didn't get into it, but I think there's something about who or what he is that people hate where he's from, and he's scared about people knowing. Kind of familiar, right? We really are a lot alike. I've been thinking out of everybody I've met here, I could probably tell him what I am. Maybe once things calm down again I will.

Axel's wasn't what I was expecting. Actually, I don't know what I was expecting. I guess I thought he wasn't afraid of anything. But me and Xion and Namine were there, and... Isa. I didn't know he knew Saix from before. I guess Isa and Lea were friends but Saix didn't seem like he could be friends with anybody. He must've really changed.

Anyway in Axel's nightmare we were all like zombies, and Xemnas was there making dumb speeches. Maybe Axel's fear isn't so different from mine. Maybe he's scared of losing his friends. Or of it being his fault... But if what happened was his fault, then it's mine, too. So we're in it together.


Day 225 - November 11, 2012 - Xion's Gone
I'm not sure exactly when it happened. I don't didn't see her every day, and I don't always check the list. But Xion's gone.

Vanitas left a box of all the weird dolls he put in her place in my room. I saw it when I woke up, and at first I thought he did something to her. But I guess he just wanted to rub it in.

There were a couple things of hers in there. Some seashells. I always kind of thought she liked them. Maybe she used to collect them before, too.

I'm still kind of numb, like it's not really real yet and I'll see her again. But if she's gone, then... I won't. Not unless she comes back here again. I feel like I didn't spend enough time with her. We should have more memories together than this. It's not enough to make up for everything I forgot.

I should probably tell Axel.


Day 231 - November 17, 2012 - Conflicting Memories
Hayner went home for a while and now he's the real Hayner. Only he still remembers everything from before. I guess now he gets how confusing it is.

But is he even the same guy? I thought I had it figured out. There were two Hayners-- one was my friend and the other barely knew me. This Hayner remembers being both. But he's still Hayner, right?


Day 244 - November 30, 2012 - Sharing a Face
I've seen a lot of Vanitas the past couple days. He's such a jerk.

But that Kimblee guy doesn't seem to have any problems with him. They're actually friends. I wonder if he's less of a jerk around people who don't share his face. It still sets me on edge some, and I know it bugs Sora. He doesn't usually get mad so easy.

If he's gonna change, I think it'll be other people who help it happen.


Day 248 - December 4, 2012 - Our Former Selves
I talked to Ruca today. It turns out Sora told him a while back that I'm a Nobody and don't have a heart. All this time he's been my friend anyway and I've been worried about it for no reason.

But I want him to know I trust him, and I think he trusts me, too. He told me when people find out he used to be Asura, they want to get revenge on him. I guess it doesn't matter whether you were a hero or a bad guy before, there are always people who think of you as that person. I think Asura wasn't even that bad, he just made a mistake. It doesn't make sense that Ruca should have to deal with it. He's not that person anymore.

Riku showed up again today, too. Talk about people who don't see you for who you are. For Sora's sake, it's probably good that he's here. But I don't know how much of him I can stand to see.


Day 253 - December 9, 2012 - A Letter to Santa
Dear Santa,

I don't know if Nobodies are on your list. But, if we're not, I think we should be. You can give me coal if you want, but I want you to think I'm a person.

Actually, that's probably everything. I have most of the things I want. I don't think you could give me a heart, and I'm starting to think I don't need one. So I'll just wish everyone a Merry Christmas.

- Roxas

P.S. If you do come, I think Sora'd like to see you again. Do you think you could say hi?


Day 254 - December 10, 2012 - Together
I did it. I told Axel.

Well, I didn't tell him exactly but he came by the host club and there was mistletoe, and I kissed him.

He didn't kiss back so that hurt a little. And at first all he said was "maybe." But when I started talking about how I wanted to figure things out, he said he wanted to help me.

I'm gonna take things slow. I don't know how much time he's had to really think about it, and I wasn't even sure enough to say anything until now. But I think we're sort of... together. I can't help smiling whenever I think about it.


Day 263 - December 19, 2012 - Vanitas's Friend
I ran into Vanitas and Kimblee when I was out Christmas shopping.

I hadn't really seen them together before. They really do act like friends. Vanitas didn't seem like such a jerk either. I think maybe he insults the people he likes, too.


Day 269 - December 25, 2012 - Christmas
My first real Christmas. I don't think Santa came, or at least he didn't leave me and Axel anything. But I got more than I thought I would. Between this and my birthday, I've got so much stuff!

The special part is just that people wanted to give it to me, though. I guess that's what they mean by "it's the thought that counts."


Day 272 - December 28, 2012 - A Favor
I got in a fight with Riku. I thought things were good enough lately I could try talking to him, but then he started saying things about me not being able to feel and I got mad...

The fight was kind of a draw. We both fell into the pond.

But then, we did talk some. And he asked me, if I could look after Sora if he's not around to do it. If you really thought someone was worthless, there's no way you'd ask them to take care of your best friend. But does it mean he thinks I'm a person? I'm not sure.


Day 276 - January 1, 2013 - That's How You Know
We had Naminé's birthday party today. I hope it made her feel really special.

I also found out Sora saw when I kissed Axel. He wanted to know how I knew I liked Axel like that. It's kind of hard to explain. Maybe it's just that he can make me feel more than anybody else.

I thought Sora was asking because he was starting to wonder about Riku, since they're best friends, too. But he seemed pretty surprised, so if he's started feeling that way, he didn't realize it before. I wonder what that means for Kairi? But I guess it doesn't have much to do with me anymore. Whatever makes Sora happy.


Day 285 - January 10, 2013 - First Date
I took Axel on a date tonight. Our first one.

When I asked everybody said dinner was a good idea. (A lot of people said baths, too, but I think that's for when you're more comfortable being... physical.) Anyway I got some cooking lessons from Rin and Davesprite, and I made spaghetti. I set it up on the roof with candles and pillows and everything. Axel was really surprised. I'm not used to seeing him surprised like that, and I don't think he's used to it either.

Things mostly went okay. I mean, I think we both had a good time. But I don't think Axel's sure of anything yet. He asked if there wasn't really someone better for me, like he's still worried he can't feel and can't be a good boyfriend. I don't know if it's any more than friendship, but it's kind of obvious he cares about me. Sora even said, he thought when Axel d- when he and Axel fought together, Axel was doing it to protect me.

I don't want him to be worried about that. I just want him to let me make him happy, if I can.


Janyuery 14
Dear Diary,

Me and Riku are in this big new plase. Riku got reely tall to like he gruw up. He sed it was majik.

I am meking lots of new frends. We will all play together and then they can com home with us.



Day 297 - January 22, 2013 - Being a Kid
Last week's curse turned a lot of people into little kids, with the memories to go with. I never was a kid, so I only remembered being Sora... I'm not sure what to make of it all. I didn't know any better at the time, and it was kind of fun. And, I don't know, maybe something was still there that was me. Axel thought he was Lea again, but even though we couldn't remember each other, we wound up becoming friends. That's how it's supposed to be when your hearts are connected, right?

The weirdest part is that Riku decided to take care of me. Even before he realized I thought I was Sora. He was the only one who remembered who was who, but I don't know why he felt responsible for me. Maybe it just means even he can't be a jerk to a little kid. Even if that kid is me.

I'm not going to ask him about it. Last night we all actually slept together, and waking up was just weird.


Day 313 - February 7, 2013 - Changing the Past
There's another one of those dream curses going around. Last night, I dreamt I was stuck in that fake Twilight Town again. Towards the end, when it was just... empty.

I'm not sure what I'm feeling now. Some of my friends from here were in the dream with me, and they tried to help me out. Rin and Ruca were there, and I think we found a way out. A way where I wouldn't have to disappear.

I know it doesn't change anything that actually happened, and I don't like the reminder, but all the same I think I feel a little better about it. Like if something like that happened again, I wouldn't be alone.


Day 321 - February 15, 2013 - Valentine's Day
Yesterday was Valentine's Day.

I didn't think Axel was going to do anything because he doesn't really like romance. But while I was out he went and got me this big bear and it was sitting on my bed when I got home. And then we watched this "chick flick" together and had ice cream on the roof. It was... really nice.

I know he's got doubts, but I think he's starting to feel it, too. Maybe he just doesn't trust it yet.


Day 323 - February 17, 2013 - More than Friends
Apparently Sora told Riku he might like him, as more than friends. The weird part was hearing that from Riku. He even asked me for advice.

I just told him to be honest. That's what I'd want, and I know Sora would want that, too.

Actually, it kind of reminds me of things with me and Axel. And that's the really weird part. I never thought of Axel and Riku having much of anything in common.


Day 359 - March 25, 2013 - Questing
That had to be the longest, craziest curse we've had.

For the past two weeks, everybody had these "classes" assigned to them and we were supposed to go around doing quests and stuff. I was a "beastmaster," which means you control some kind of animal and have it fight for you, only I had one of my Samurai Nobodies. And that's not really an animal...

It was strange fighting with it again. Being on the same side. I never used to think about them much, but it made me wonder how close they are to being people.

A lot of the quests were kind of dumb, but for some of them I felt like I was actually helping people. Maybe that's sort of what being a hero feels like.


Day 366 - April 1, 2013 - One Year
I've been here a whole year now. That means half my life, I've spent here in Vatheon. That's a whole year I was never supposed to have. It's that much more time I got to spend with Axel, and getting to know Sora, and making all these other friends I never would've had either.

Some days this place kind of sucks. But this isn't one of them.


Day 373 - April 8, 2013 - Just Friends
Axel told me he just wants to be friends.

There's a curse right now and I guess he can't lie. He's been lying to me all this time, saying this was something he wanted.

Things seemed like they were going so well. Even up until he said that-- We were messing around and he was acting like he'd want me to kiss him-- but it was just physical. He said it didn't feel right, since we were friends.

He should've said something before now. I know we were only trying it and that it might not work out, but when he said he wanted to try, I thought he meant he didn't know yet. Like he thought there might be something there and he just hadn't thought about it. Not that he knew he just wanted to be friends.

I thought he knew me better than that. He should know I don't want something that's pretend. It's like Twilight Town, when they must've seen I wanted to be friends with everybody and just programmed them that way. Axel has to want it for himself, or it's not real.

I know he meant well. I know he wanted to make me happy. And he had me fooled for a while. Maybe it was easy to be fooled because it was something I want. I should've noticed sooner. He was never really that into it.


Day 384 - April 19, 2013 - Things Fall Apart
The bubble's cracked. Everybody's mostly evacuated to the island.

I never really thought we'd leave the city, but somehow it doesn't seem that strange. Maybe because I come up to the island a lot already, or maybe because part of me's always thinking this is temporary anyway.

I was talking about it with Sora before. I never really thought about the future much... I'd like to stay here a lot longer, but I have trouble picturing it. I guess I still don't really believe it'll happen.


Day 391 - April 26, 2013 - A Place to Stay
Some of the locals got a bunch of us together for a meeting tonight. They've been part of whatever experiment this is, too, but not because they want to be.

I don't get a lot of what got talked about, but the scientists are trying to figure out how to use the coral's energy different from how it works normally. That's why we're all connected to it. C--she's one of the natives--said that if people outside the bubble found out they were experimenting on us like this, they wouldn't like it.

She also said, people who aren't around back home need the coral to exist here.

It'd be all right, being stuck on this island. If we found a way to stop the experiment, I mean. Just so long as they let us stay.


Day 396 - May 6, 2013 - The Chance
I talked to Sora about Axel.

I've been mad at Axel, but I think I've been mad at myself, too. If I'm really his best friend, then I should've known how he felt even if he didn't say it.

But Sora said, he thought Axel really meant to try it. That Axel wanted to make me happy, and that I make him happy, so he thought maybe it could work. And when I talked to Axel--I think Sora's right. Axel thought there was a chance. A small one, but a chance.

I guess that makes me feel better about believing it. I'm just not sure if there really is a chance, still.

It's probably better not to count on it. We just need to be best friends again. It's not really less than boyfriends, right? Just different.


Day 419 - May 24, 2013 - Saix
Saix showed up last night. He's not the last person I'd want here, but he's close.

I wonder what he'll do without the Organization. He can't complete his plans.

Vanitas had some plan he wasn't able to follow here. And he's-- Well, he's still a jerk, but maybe he's found better ways to be a jerk, if that makes sense. He had help, though...

Who'd want to help Saix? Axel? I know Isa still means a lot to him, but I don't know how much of Isa is really left. I don't know what he was like.

I'll just have to be on guard.


Day 426 - May 31, 2013 - Chocobos
Axel picked up these baby chocobos when the bubble flooded. We finally named them today, so I think we're keeping them a while. Isa, Sunset, and Popcorn. They sound kind of funny together, huh?

Isa's definitely been on his mind since Saix showed up. I'm worried something might happen.


Day 433 - June 7, 2013 - Jealousy
I think Saix might actually be jealous of me. For being friends with Axel. But if he is, I'm not sure he realizes it. He'd probably say he hates me and Axel for betraying the Organization.

I don't think he understands people at all anymore.

He broke Axel's hand. Axel didn't tell me right away. He doesn't want me getting involved in things with him and Saix, but we're supposed to stick together. I don't want to stay out of it.


Day 440 - June 14, 2013 - Birthdays and Moving On
Axel won't tell me when his birthday is. I don't know why he doesn't want to celebrate. Maybe because he'll be turning 28 and that's almost 30? But it's just a number, and I want him to have a special day like I did.

I talked to Sola about getting over someone who doesn't like you back. I've been trying to figure out how to act like friends again, but I wasn't really thinking about getting over him. I guess I should. Sola said it can take a long time, and it was really hard for him, but he's also with Johnny now and they seem really happy together. Maybe, eventually, I'll find someone like that, too.


Day 457 - July 1, 2013 - Chocobo Parents
We decided to keep the chocobos even once they're grown up, but since they get so big, Axel said maybe we should move into a place with a yard. It's seems funny to think about moving after all this time, but it makes sense. Actually it might be fun.


Day 459 - July 3, 2013 - Impostor
There's this guy Barry who's been bothering me lately. He figured out I like somebody who doesn't like me back, and he said he could help if I did something for him.

I told him I didn't want him to help, but he showed up tonight anyway, while I was out. I don't know how he figured out it was Axel, I didn't tell him who it was. When I came home, he was there, looking just like me. He was all over Axel-- kissing him and touching him.

I made him leave, but then Axel got really mad about it and he won't talk to me. I don't know how Barry convinced him to go along with it. He thought it was me, but he's never wanted to do that stuff with me. I want to think Barry forced him somehow, but what if I just did everything wrong? What if I could've had him if I did things different?

Everything's all screwed up. Things were almost normal again, but now I can't help wondering if Axel might really like me a little bit, only he's mad at me so it's not like that's going to happen now even if he did. And he probably doesn't anyway.


Day 461 - July 5, 2013 - Terra
Terra's in the bubble again. He thought I was Ven at first, but he figured out pretty quick that I'm not. I tried to tell him Ven's okay, but I think I just confused him or worried him. Maybe both.

I hope he doesn't start anything with Vanitas. Vanitas has been doing really well lately, but I don't think he'd believe that.


Day 464 - July 8, 2013 - Axel's Feelings
Yesterday was Axel's birthday. I had to find out from Saix, but Axel decided to throw a sleepover party because of the curse that was going on. (People were getting cold if they didn't do stuff like hug each other.) He didn't say anything about his birthday, and I didn't say anything, but I'm glad he celebrated.

We talked about what happened with Barry, too. We've both been trying to act like it never happened, but it helped to talk about it. Axel said he thought I was acting funny because of the curse, and Barry guilted him into it. I don't know why he can't think of himself a little. I don't want him to do stuff that makes him uncomfortable.

I think he still feels bad about not liking me back. But when I said I still cared about him like that, he said "thanks." Maybe that part doesn't make him uncomfortable anymore.


Day 478 - July 22, 2013 - Superheroes
Everyone was superheroes for the past week. Actually I guess Shirley was more of a villain--she kidnapped me because I'm blond and she was talking about everybody being her enemies. But I'm kind of glad she did kidnap me because it meant I didn't go out anywhere in that weird outfit.

Sora and Namine and Kairi came and rescued me later. Hopefully Namine at least got to enjoy being a hero.


Day 481 - July 25, 2013 - Going Home
It seems like everybody's leaving all of a sudden. Rin, Sola, and Riku all went home. Rin and Sola have been here so long, I feel like they'll have to come back. Riku keeps going home and showing up again, so... maybe he'll come back, too. He'd better.

Sora was pretty down about it, but I also found out he and Kairi are dating now. They've been together a whole month. It must be really great for him.


Day 482 - July 26, 2013 - Axel and Saix
After I talked to Sora last night, Saix and Axel got into a fight. It was really bad this time. I think if I hadn't interrupted, Saix might've killed him.

I know Axel doesn't want to be enemies with him. I think he wants his friend back. But it doesn't seem like they can even talk to each other without fighting. I guess Saix can really hold a grudge.

I don't think Axel's going to be able to get through to him, but he's really stubborn. What if they just keep fighting like this? I'm not sure what to do.


Day 496 - August 9, 2013 - A Body with A Heart
Another bodyswap curse is happening this week. I'm still myself, but Axel and Saix switched.

I think we figured something out. They both say it's really different from being in their own bodies, even though they're both Nobodies. Saix is able to feel a lot more, and the way Axel describes it sounds like how it felt being in Vanitas's body, with only part of a heart that's full of darkness.

I've believed for a while now that Nobodies can learn to feel again, but I never really thought of it as having hearts again. I still don't know if that's how it is. One thing's for sure though: Axel's learned to feel like I have. I don't think he really believed it until now.


Day 510 - August 23, 2013 - Old Friendships
Axel hasn't been sleeping too well lately. He's been thinking about all this stuff with his heart and whatever's wrong with Saix. It's really getting to him.

I guess it's different for them. They remembered who they used to be from the start, so it's not so separate for them as it is with me, remembering Sora. For them, it's not just that Lea and Isa were best friends. It's that Saix used to be Axel's best friend, and it still means something to him.

I wonder if they were friends like we are. What happens if they become friends again?


Day 526 - September 8, 2013 - Just a Kid
Saix and Barry are sleeping together. The sexy kind of sleeping together. I guess some jerks just attract each other.

They both think I'm just a kid. Like Axel would never see me that way because I'm so much younger.

I'm not jealous of them. I'd rather be best friends with Axel than have sex that doesn't mean anything. But it does hurt what they said because maybe it's true. Axel's always calling me "kiddo" and saying he doesn't like me growing up. But if I was just a kid to him, could we be such good friends?

Being too young seems like a dumb reason to miss out on something.


Day 527 - September 9, 2013 - An Unexpected Apology
Saix apologized to me. Not for laughing at me yesterday, but for stuff back home and for hurting Axel. It was really... weird.

I'm not sure what's going on with him. Maybe it has to do with finding out Axel sort of has a heart and he doesn't. I'm sure he still wants his heart. I guess even if it means learning to be less of a jerk, he's still going to try.

He was looking for Axel. I wonder if he's going to apologize to him, too.


Day 533 - September 15, 2013 - Terminating the Experiment
The Station Master says he intercepted a message to the Head Nurse to end the experiment we're all part of. It doesn't even mean send everybody home, it means kill us so it's all covered up.

I still don't understand how people can do stuff like that...

But we aren't going to let them. If we all work together, then we'll have to figure out a way to stop them. I don't want to disappear again.


Day 541 - September 23, 2013 - Another Birthday
I turned 17 a couple days ago. The scientists still don't know about the end of the experiment so they're still doing curses. I spent my actual birthday as a chocobo.

It seems weird to celebrate a birthday at a time like this, but it's still kind of important to me. I never thought I'd get the time to grow up. If we take Vatheon for ourselves, I will, right? Maybe I should start thinking about what I want to do with all that time.


Day 549 - October 1, 2013 - Free
Too tired to write much but we won.

We broke the barrier and us Nobodies helped with portals so everyone could go fight the scientists. Now everyone who wants can go home. We'll stay, and live.

Gonna sleep for a while. Then, lots of ice cream to celebrate.


Day 533 - October 5, 2013 - Leaving
Vatheon feels like a whole new place now. The natives are "waking up" from how the scientists kept them drugged, and a lot of people are going home.

Sora has to go, too. He has to go be a hero, after all. But, now that this place isn't restricting our powers, there's one thing we could do. I've never used the keyblade like that before, but Sora showed me how and together we unlocked the world. So, he can come visit sometimes. I hope he's able to remember to.

Axel and I are thinking about taking the chocobos and heading for the mainland. We've been in Vatheon a long time. Funny, now that we're not actually stuck here, it feels more confining. Maybe we'll go exploring a little.